Maybe I do want love. I honestly never thought I really cared for it much. I've always been happy on my own, I've always felt fulfilled, I've never felt lonely. Tonight I feel truly lonely. I don't need constant attention. I don't need compliments. I don't even need sex. But for a little while there...I thought I might need you. I thought you were different. Mainly because of everything I felt for you. I will admit that most of your personality traits and characteristics have been made up- since I don't know you very well at all. From what I do know about you, I thought you were perfect. Not perfect in a way that means you have no flaws....but perfect in the way that means I liked everything about you. I admired you, respected you, trusted you, and wanted you. I wanted to know your future, your past, and everything in between. I never like boys here. Ever. I don't care if it sounds immature but it is not fair that we can't possibly work out. You're in the Marines. Good for you, good for America, good for Afghanistan. I can't help but wonder here...why did I meet you? Why did I have to meet you two days before you were leaving this place we both callled home to disappear forever? I wish I wouldn't have. I know myself, I'm a very realistic person, and yet; I knew within meeting you for the first few hours that I liked you enough to have sex with you when you got back from boot camp. I knew within those first few hours that I would have dated someone like you- you specifically- even though you were thousands of miles away. I liked you. That's a very rare and momentous occasion for any person that knows me. And yet, you're leaving. You left two days after I met you for three months, you left 2 more months after that, and now those second two months have turned to four years in Hawaii. I'm crazy about you- but I'm not stupid. I am commitment phobic (which is why this has been such a big deal for me to really like someone in the first place). I vowed to never try "long distance" again. I am doing fine on my own- there's no one here to save.
But I still wish you would have tried.
And I resent you for making me feel so weak and vulnerable. I can't explain to you how unlike me this is. You will never understand.
